Unsolicited Advice

Nobody likes unsolicited advice, right? I think I hate it more than most. The woman who came up to me in the park and told me that Reid might be more comfortable with a diaper rolled up behind his head in the baby swing almost got a diaper rolled up in her mouth. The woman who gave me a lecture on how formula is so much better for babies, while noting that breastfeeding mothers are smug and often give unsolicited advice...well, I almost went white-rage on that one.

But listen up. I am going to give you some unsolicited advice here. It is really in your best interest that you follow it and not question me. I have been in the trenches, my friends, and this is the hard-won wisdom I bring to you:

1. If you are holding your baby and you hear, smell, and SEE the telltale rumble...do not finish composing that text message. Stand up and go upstairs to the changing table.

A couple of things to note: now is a good time to stop believing those people who told you that breastfed babies' poo doesn't smell. Also, yes, I did say "see" the telltale rumble. The jamjams were flapping in the breeze, okay?

2. Once you get upstairs and remove the offending - offensive? - diaper, do not plop it down on the changing table in disgust. Wrap it up in a tidy parcel just as you do with the rest of the diapers. I promise you, this extra few seconds is well worth it. But just in case you do not heed this warning...

3. Once you have pulled off the slightly soiled jamjams, do not plop them down on the changing table in disgust. Because they will land in the pile of offensiveness that is the diaper, and what do you know. Your jamjams are no longer "slightly" soiled.

4. Moms: seriously consider not eating whatever it is that you ate in the past 24 hours.

5. All of this goes double if you and your child are wearing cream-colored clothing.

If I can save just one outfit by writing this post, my harrowing experience will have been worth it.